Counter-Cultural Parenting

Posted on February 16, 2016 by Heart of the Matter

 

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As our culture slides down the slippery slope towards complete and total secularism, it is more important than ever that Christian parents take note and become counter-cultural in their parenting approach. We must wake up to the tidal wave of attacks that are currently being leveled against the family and against Christianity itself.

It is absolutely critical to the proliferation of Christian values and the protection of the family that we become intentional about how we raise the next generation. Here are some facts for us to consider:

  1. The entertainment industry is not our friend. Gone are the days of Gilligan’s Island and Leave it to Beaver. The current salacious fare offered in movies, in music, in video games, and on TV, is meant to destroy our children’s sense of right and wrong . . . to acclimate them to what the industry promotes as “the new normal”, drawing them in to more and more violent, sensual and debase material. Parents need to be tuned into what their children are watching and listening to, set a standard for their family, and stick to it. Although we only have one teenager left at home, we still deal with these issues on an almost daily basis. The only small ray of hope here is the latest release of several really great Christian movies with a positive message that point to Jesus Christ. (War Room, Fireproof, God’s Not Dead, Woodlawn) By all means, support these films, and take your kids! And don’t be afraid to censure and limit your child’s entertainment selections. You are the parent, after all.
  2. The public education system as a whole is not working in our best interest. Our current public education system, which began as a way to teach children to read the Bible, has been mired in humanism for many years now. There is a hidden agenda (although it’s not hidden very well!), to indoctrinate kids into the liberal value system of our current culture, teaching subtly (and not so subtly): a new definition of marriage, evolution as science/creation as myth, and socialism as the best option for society. I taught in a public school for many years and I know that there are many dedicated Christian teachers and principals in the trenches, doing their best to teach from their own Christian value system but, nevertheless . . . public education as a whole, is not working in the best interest of Christian families but instead is indoctrinating our children into a secular worldview.
  3. We must become politically engaged. There is no better time than now to invest ourselves in the political process. This is not the time to throw up our hands and say, “Our country is too far gone, nothing I can do will help.” or “I don’t like any of the current candidates, so I’m not going to vote.” It does matter who holds the top position in the land, as well as, who sits in the seats of our lawmakers! Find out who will stand for Christian values and for defending our constitutional rights and vote for them! Find out where the candidates stand on social issues and how that stance supports or conflicts with the Word of God. Our childrens’ futures, and the future of Christianity, depend on it.
  4. We have abdicated our authority as parents. In many cases, we, as parents have abdicated our authority and leadership to teachers, daycare workers, coaches, even our childrens’ peer groups. God has placed your child in your particular family with you as his/her parent. That means you are to be the ultimate authority in his/her life…to train, advise, protect and teach. The buck stops with you(!), not with your child’s best friend’s parent, their coach, or their youth minister. This order of things is something that has to be established very early in life and re-emphasized even as your child grows and matures. (Try practicing this phrase:”Just because the Smiths do it that way doesn’t mean we do.”) By the way, the most important role you have as a parent is to teach your child the Word of God and to train him/her to walk in it’s ways. Don’t allow someone else to be your child’s primary spiritual advisor or their pseudo-parent. Parenting is not easy but, it is your God-given responsibility.
  5. Family time has all but disappeared. These days, when not in school, our children are so involved in outside activities, that they are rarely at home. This busy, often hectic schedule allows very little time for building family relationships, having meaningful conversations and exerting influence over our children. Our family is certainly not immune to this problem. Over the years we have had to make decisions regarding how many extra-curricular activities our children would participate in while still allowing sufficient time for our family to be together. Prioritizing that time is not an easy task but it is well worth it. Although it’s very tempting to try to keep up with the Joneses in this regard (who, by the way, have enrolled little Johnny in every YMCA sport, music lessons, and Kiddie Spanish class), there is nothing more valuable than for your child to spend time at home, interacting with you, working and playing together as a family, and even just chillin’. Another thing that can minimize face-to-face interaction is technology. Although it has it’s place and can be very valuable, it should not be allowed to completely replace family time. This can be a challenge for us as parents, as well! (guilty!) Our daughter never misses an opportunity to call us on it when my husband and I are both “plugged in” at home in the evenings. She’s even gone so far as to send candid pictures of us on the couch with our phones to her older brothers with the caption, “quality family time”. We do our best, however, not to be constantly plugged in and encourage her to unplug, as well. Playing family board games is one of our favorite ways to engage in face-to-face interaction.

Parenting is important business—and it’s not easy—especially for Christian parents who are going against the tide of popular culture. My hope is that you will consider the thoughts above and re-evaluate your parenting tactics to reflect a dedicated and tenacious effort to parent counter-culturally. Can you think of other ways we can stand against the tide of our eroding culture? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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Mission: Motherhood

Posted on February 13, 2016 by Heart of the Matter

 

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My brothers and I, circa 1968.

Over the years, many of my young mom friends have expressed an uncertainty regarding their value and significance as a mom when they are in the trenches of motherhood. They wonder if they are fulfilling their calling—if they were made for something more.

As a mother, you do have a call on your life—a call placed within you from the beginning of time. It is no accident that you feel a responsibility to your children or that you feel conflicted when trying to climb the ladder of success. It’s challenging to gain professional respect while keeping your home running smoothly and your children healthy and happy. You have an important mission to fulfill and it requires a great deal of focus and attention. Anything that takes you away from that, given that it is a part of your God-designed self, is bound to cause some level of stress and anxiety.

In The Mission of Motherhood Sally Clarkson defines motherhood’s mission this way: “to nurture, protect and instruct children, to create a home environment that enables them to learn and grow, to help them develop a heart for God and his purposes, and to send them out into the world prepared to live both fully and meaningfully”.

That mission is of utmost importance. As a matter of fact, it has eternal significance. It is a mother’s role to impart a sense of kindness, respect, purpose, vision, morality, and love, as her spiritual legacy to her children. In order to do that, time must be spent in building relationships with those children. Hence, the value of: picnics in the backyard, reading a book in the overstuffed chair, playing in the sprinkler, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches together, and yes, sometimes, sitting by the bedside with thermometer in hand—taking the good with the bad.

Sally Clarkson describes our motherhood mission in this way: When our kids are young, we place item after item into their treasure chest, so that as they reach young adulthood and have to face the trials, worries, and day-to-day work of the real world, they can draw from that rich treasure chest of security and love.

Filling that treasure chest takes commitment, patience, wisdom, and time–time with your children so that they can absorb your values, observe your relationship with God, and learn from you.

And no, it isn’t easy to go against modern culture which says that you are not valuable unless you are bringing in a paycheck and contributing to the work-a-day world. The culture has denigrated motherhood more and more as the years have passed. But God hasn’t! His calling is as fresh and relevant as when he first created womankind.

 

If you would like to read more about The Mission of Motherhood, you can find Sally Clarkson’s book here: http://sallyclarkson.com/books/   It’s a great read!

“Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 11:19 (NIV)

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV)

 

 

 

 

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Our Journey to Heart Health (Part 4)

Posted on February 12, 2016 by Heart of the Matter

 

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As we walked in the door on that first day home after my husband’s hospital stay, we both breathed a sigh of relief. He was so happy to be home where he could get into his most comfortable clothes, sink into his favorite chair, and get some rest without being constantly poked and prodded. I was glad to be home where I could bathe him in tender loving care, cook him nutritious, heart-healthy meals, and sink into my role as his emotional cheerleader and encourager.

That first week we began to have visits from a home health nurse and a physical therapist. It was truly a comfort to us to have a nurse come and check his vitals and inspect his incisions for signs of infection. Neither of us had ever been through this before and we weren’t too confident that we would know if things were or were not progressing normally. My husband’s greatest fear was that he would get pneumonia or contract a cold or other illness since coughing and sneezing at this point was extremely scary and painful. Besides the home health nurse, we have a wonderful nurse friend who works in a cardiovascular unit at a nearby hospital who was a great resource for us. I called her with questions regarding my husband’s healing and progress, and she answered patiently, from her vast storehouse of knowledge and experience. She didn’t even balk when I sent her graphic photos of my husband’s yucky incisions for her perusal and assessment…talk about a good friend!

The physical therapist was kind and professional and gave my husband simple exercises to do to build up his strength. He and I realized, by the pace and intensity of things, that she was more used to working with clients who were much older. Although she knew my husband had been a triathlete, we had not told her that he also has a masters in exercise physiology! Eventually, she did add ankle weights and pick up the intensity which made my husband very happy.

Since coming home, we have enjoyed many contemplative moments sitting in our front yard in the crisp winter air under a beautiful blue sky. God has spoken to us there, reminding us to savor each day…to go forth and tell of his constant presence and comfort in what has been a dire and life-threatening situation, and to thank him for the diagnosis of my husband’s heart disease and how it has changed our lives and the lives of those around us. God has spoken to me about more fully appreciating the gift that my husband is in my life and has convicted me to be more of a helper and encourager to him going forward.

Actually, some of the most precious and meaningful times we have ever had together as a couple have occurred in these last few weeks since the surgery. As we have walked together hand-in-hand down our tree-lined street to build up my husband’s strength, we have prayed aloud and have had numerous deep conversations…about life, God, our children…and the future. Yes, the glorious, hopeful, exciting, future… for which God saved my husband from a potentially untimely death.

I think my husband would agree that this health crisis has in many ways been a gift to us both… from a God who loves us with an everlasting love and who desires for us to live an abundant and fulfilling life that will bring glory and honor to him.

 

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Have I Loved my Husband Well?

Posted on February 11, 2016 by Heart of the Matter

 

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I have been quite introspective lately in the wake of my husband’s recent heart surgery and subsequent recovery period. An unexpected, serious health crisis can have that effect on a person. As I’ve thought about the early years of our marriage and how we’ve grown and changed as a couple and as individuals, one question keeps floating to the surface of my mind: “Have I loved my husband well?”

It has been heart-breaking to see my strong, active husband struggling through a major health crisis for the first time and it has definitely brought out the “mercy” in me. I have cared for him in a way that I (unfortunately) haven’t in years…tenderly, self-sacrificially, pro-actively, attentively. And he has been so very appreciative. If you have ever studied spiritual giftedness, then you understand me when I say, mercy is not at the top of my list of spiritual gifts. But that doesn’t in any way give me an excuse to not be merciful and loving to my husband (nor to others).  Through this health scare, God has reminded me that I could do a lot better at showing mercy to my precious husband.

Here are some thoughts that have come to mind as I have evaluated my relationship with my husband and how I can be a better helpmate to him. Maybe these ideas can help you, as well, as you think about your own relationship, regardless of which stage of marriage in which you find yourself:

Have I let him know how much I appreciate his hard work in providing for, and protecting, the kids and I?

Our husbands put in countless hours of work and planning to make sure that we have shelter, food, clothing and other essentials. We sometimes take that for granted and forget to say, “Thank you for all of the hard work you do to provide for us.” We can also teach our children to show appreciation to their Dad in concrete ways.

Have I gone the extra mile to treat him tenderly and lovingly, taking the time for a back rub after a hard day…or making his favorite stove-top hot chocolate on a cold evening?

In the busyness of daily life and child-rearing, things like back rubs, foot rubs, cuddling on the couch, and romantic interludes can be put on the back burner repeatedly…day after day. Doing little things that your husband especially loves can really make him feel appreciated and cared for. The laundry can wait.

Have I established a peaceful setting at home and refrained from spewing issues and problems at my husband as soon as he walks in the door? Have I established routines that allow for some “kiddie quiet times” when my husband can truly relax in peace and quiet.

Sometimes its hard to hold our tongues…especially when our husbands have been gone all day and we have been stewing about some issue that needs to be taken care of right now! (Has anyone else intentionally let the kids continue squabbling or fighting when your husband walks in the door, just so he can have a little taste of what you’ve been dealing with all day? I may have a bit of a mean streak.) It’s so important to allow our husbands to decompress when they come in weary from struggling with the world all day. Hopefully our homes can be a place of peace and positivity that they will look forward to coming home to.

Have I allowed my husband to be a nature-loving, competition-seeking, “manly man”, as God intended him to be…or have I de-masculinized him by complaining too much about the time he spends enjoying masculine outdoor pursuits?

If you and I think about it, we really do want a “manly man”! Our husbands were made by God with different interests, desires, and drives than us. They were made to be strong, competent, competitive, protectors. It is detrimental not only to them, but to us, to try to change that…and it is fruitless in the long run. Let your man be a man. Give him the time in the outdoors that he needs. He will come home refreshed and empowered because it has revved that manly engine of his.

Have I been encouraging…or discouraging? Positive…or negative? Does my husband see me as a help or a hindrance?

In the weeks since my husband’s surgery, I have been his cheerleader. I have repeated numerous times and in many different ways, phrases like,  “You can do it!”, “You’re doing great!”, “You’re getting stronger every day!” “You’re my hero!” It shouldn’t take a major health scare for us to become our husband’s cheerleader. We should be his cheerleader all the time. The work world can be tough with many demands placed on our men every day. They have a lot on their shoulders, including the responsibility for an entire family. We should be there to encourage and uplift them.

Have I made my husband a priority over the kids?

My husband and I are fast approaching the empty nest. Our last child is a busy high- schooler and is driving herself everywhere now. That, along with the fact that my husband has not returned to a full schedule at work yet, has led to a lot of time at home with just the two of us. It has been really nice! I love spending time at home with him. It has been sort of a precursor to our impending empty nest and I’m thinking we just might survive (insert sarcasm).  It’s tough when you have little ones at home, but always make your husband your number one priority and make sure the children know it. He is the one with whom you will hopefully grow old, therefore, you should always be fostering and building that relationship. Actually, knowing that their parents have a loving and strong relationship makes children more secure, not less so.

I am thanking God these days for reminding me to appreciate the husband he has given me, and to show him more love, mercy, understanding, and attention each and every day! God is good and wants our marriage to be strong, fulfilling and inspiring…a reflection of his love for us!

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” Proverbs 31:10 (NIV)

“But for Adam, no suitable helper was found. So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord, God made a woman out of the rib he had taken from he man, and he brought her to the man. The man said,’This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:20-24 (NIV)

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which bind them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14 (NIV)

 

 

 

 

 

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Dads and daughters

Posted on February 7, 2016 by Heart of the Matter

 

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Last night as we were sitting around our family room after dinner, my husband asked my daughter, “Have I ever shown you how to play Backgammon?” Our teenage daughter, with a suspicious grimace and a roll of the eyes said, “No, why?” My husband answered, “Well, I haven’t been able to get your mom or either of your older brothers interested in it so I was hoping you would want to play.” Thus insued a rousing game of Backgammon. As far as I was concerned, it always seemed too complicated and not social enough…I like games with lots of interaction. I had high hopes though, that my daughter would like it and would feed her father’s Backgammon craving so I would never be asked again.

It is so special when fathers and daughters have a “thing”. Something they enjoy that is just theirs. Something that connects them.

When I was younger, during my middle school, high school, and even my college years, I would walk with my Dad. We would leave our house and walk around a picturesque lake in our neighborhood that was exactly a mile around. It was our special time. The fact that my Dad included me in this part of his life gave me a feeling of worth, strength, and confidence. It made me feel loved and appreciated.

There in the shadow of my Dad’s stride, I shared my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams. I sought his advice and boldly proclaimed my opinions…and he listened. So much of who I am today grew out of those walks with my Dad where I experienced a safe place in which to share my feelings and to talk about life and love and God.

During my college years, as I would burst through the door after arriving home for a break, the first thing I wanted to do was to walk with my Dad… filling him in on college life and asking about everything that had happened in our small town while I was away. We talked about church, politics, religion and family life, nothing was off the table. As the years went by, those walks with my Dad shaped me…grounded me…taught me… and inspired me. I am so grateful to have experienced that special time with him.

My Dad passed away at 80 years old several years ago, but he will live forever in my heart as I recall the miles we logged walking around our little lake solving the problems of the world.

Dads…have you considered inviting your daughter into some aspect of your life where she can feel a connection with you? A special place or “thing” that is just yours? Trust me when I say, it has the potential to shape and impact her for years to come.

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