Keeping Bridezilla at Bay: Successful Wedding Planning with Your Daughter

Posted on April 25, 2022 by Heart of the Matter

Summer is fast approaching and my daughter—my beautiful, kind, generous, outgoing daughter—will soon become a Mrs. She met her beloved at the college youth group at church. He’s not exactly what her father and I had pictured for her.You know how it goes, we moms create a composite list of traits and accomplishments that any Marvel superhero would be hard-pressed to possess. However, God knew best and our future son-in-law has been a joy and a great addition to our family. He is exactly what our daughter needed. God is good and always, always has a plan that is better than ours.

Kari is our only daughter (we also have two married sons) and she and I have been planning her wedding for almost a year now, since her engagement last June. I have certainly heard stories of the stress and anxiety that wedding planning can bring and the tension and volatility that many moms and daughters experience in the process. But, I have to say, working with my daughter this year has been a joy. How have we navigated the treacherous waters of wedding planning with such peace? I believe there are several key factors:

  1. Mutual respect. My daughter did not just appear on the scene. We have spent many years as mother and daughter, growing, learning, bonding and developing our relationship. As my daughter reached each age and stage of life I tried to give her appropriate guidance and ultimately, freedom, to make her own decisions (and mistakes). In doing so, my daughter learned that I value her ideas and opinions—that I respect her. No, it hasn’t always been easy to let her make her own decisions and mistakes and sometimes I just couldn’t keep my teeth clamped tightly enough on that tongue of mine! But, as she got older she knew that certain decisions would be hers to make, without my interference. Mamas, that is why God blessed you with your little girl in the first place—to grow her into a wise, mature and independent daughter of the king. By the way, as you show your older daughter that you see her as an intelligent being separate from yourself with her own dreams, ideas and personal strengths, that respect will be returned.
  2. Ownership. Allow your daughter to have ownership of her wedding. Understand that this is her wedding, not yours. This was a bit of a hard lesson for me to learn but I did come to this understanding very early in the process. Perhaps you didn’t have the beautiful wedding of your dreams when you got married…doesn’t matter. Or, you just can’t stand the color peach…doesn’t matter! Or perhaps you had always dreamed of hearing “The Way You Look Tonight” (Frank Sinatra) played at your daughter’s reception…give it up. This is your daughter’s big (if not, biggest) day and she has a vision for what she wants it to look and sound like. I know you may be thinking, “Hey, we’re paying for this wedding!”, and maybe you are but you are paying for (or contributing to) the wedding because you love your daughter and you want her to celebrate the beginning of her married life with a beautiful day that makes her happy and sends her off feeling loved and supported. You are not paying for the privilege of making the decisions! It’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t agree to have your 85 year old former pastor say the opening prayer during the ceremony. You’ll get over it.
  3. Expectations of perfection. In today’s world of Instagram filters, selfies and social media, we have come to view everything through the lens of how perfect things look to others. If you want everything to be absolutely perfect, you will probably be disappointed. Understand that life isn’t perfect and neither the wedding planning nor the day itself will be perfect either. We had to order a second batch of invitations for my daughters wedding because I made a mistake when ordering them. Then, the second batch had a small issue, too. We sent them anyway. Most people won’t even notice, and if they do, hopefully they will keep their judgement to themselves. Expecting perfection leads to stress, pressure and anxiety. Try to look at the big picture and understand that when all is said and done, what’s important is your daughter enjoying a beautiful day of joy and celebration—not whether the chargers match the table runner.
  4. Prayer. Successfully navigating wedding planning with your daughter takes a lot of prayer. Pray with her, and for her, and pray for yourself. Pray for patience, wisdom and strength. And as you pray for the wedding planning and wedding itself don’t forget to pray for the marriage! Pray that the new couple will keep God at the center of their marriage and that they will surround themselves with other Jesus-loving, family-honoring couples with whom to do life. Pray that they will find a Bible-believing church to become a part of where they can grow and serve together.

My daughter has amazed me during this process. She has been very organized, developing a calendar of when things need to be done and making sure they happen as planned, contacting vendors and keeping up with payments. She is doing all of this while simultaneously completing her last year of college. And something about my daughter that is such a gift—especially during this time—is that she is very low-key about life in general. She is not particular about most things. We only visited two shops before she found her wedding dress. She loves it! It did not need to be “designer” or flown in from Italy. She has learned that people are more important than things and that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be enjoyable. What is she most looking forward to about her wedding? Hanging out with the friends and family who will attend, dancing to her favorite music, eating the macaroni and cheese that we chose for the wedding dinner, and heading off to a tropical honeymoon with her beloved!

Hopefully, moms of daughters, you will take my advice and remember the pointers above when it comes time to help your daughter plan her wedding. Help her when she needs your help or asks for advice, support her with love and prayer, and then enjoy her beautiful day! Moms of younger girls, begin now to build that mutual respect with your daughter by giving her more responsibility for her own decisions as she reaches each new stage of life. And when the time comes to cut the apron strings, do it with joy and a sense of accomplishment. You have done your job well!

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3

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Generosity: The best of God’s spiritual fruit all rolled into one!

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Heart of the Matter

Generosity—the epitome of godly character. It is, at once: love, kindness, faithfulness and selflessness—a spring bouquet of spiritual fruit.

Generosity comes in many forms. For instance, there is the act of giving one’s time to help another human being in need. Perhaps you give up a Saturday to help someone move, give someone a ride, or counsel a hurting friend. Many of us are so possessive of our free time and obsessive about our personal routine that we won’t stop what we’re doing to help people. Or, we think to ourselves, “I’m sure someone else will do it.”

Sometimes generosity means sharing our material blessings. Perhaps a friend is temporarily in need of a car and you just happen to have an extra parked in your driveway. Or a visiting pastor or missionary needs a place to lay their head and you have a spare bedroom now that your kids are out of the house. Maybe you have an area large enough to host your church Life Group for a fellowship. These are all wonderful ways in which you can exhibit generosity and at the same time, show that you are not holding on too tightly to the things of this world.

The act most often associated with generosity is giving our actual money to worthy causes and needy people. It is through the generosity of God’s people that Christian ministries are funded and missionaries are sent. In 2 Corinthians 9:7 it says, “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” Always remember: your money and possessions are God’s anyway! You have nothing that He has not allowed you to have.

Luke 12:48 says, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

Generosity not only has a powerful impact for the Kingdom of God, but it has a tremendous impact on the giver himself. When we give, expecting nothing in return, purely out of love and selflessness, we are rewarded with joy, peace and a sense of fulfillment and purpose. Why? Because we are walking in obedience to God’s Word and reaping the reward for it. Make no mistake, giving that is done grudgingly or pridefully is an unworthy sacrifice. It’s useless. God knows your heart, dear friend. You may as well keep your money in your wallet if your motivation is impure. We can find many, many examples of well-known philanthropists in the world today who give for their own edification. This is not the type of generosity espoused in the Bible.

Generosity is displayed through love, kindness, faithfulness and selflessness.

So, how can we show love to our neighbor when they are hurting? Make them a meal, pay them a visit, send them a card. How can we show kindness to the homeless man beside the road? Give him your spare change, buy him a fast food meal, give him a blanket or a coat. How can we exhibit faithfulness to God’s mission in the world? Tithe above and beyond and support your church’s ministries. Give faithfully to missions and ministries in your area—of your time, money and resources. How can we demonstrate selflessness  in our families and communities? Put your own needs aside, be willing to disrupt your routine and put others’ needs before your own. Learn to act in a self-sacrificial way. If you have rarely or never given up your own desires for another then you probably do not have a spirit of generosity. Pray that God will work in that area of your life.

And remember—anonymous giving is the very best kind of giving!

My mother recently passed away at 95 years old. If you have ever experienced the loss of an elderly loved one then you have seen the amount of “stuff” that can accumulate in a lifetime—stuff that certainly won’t fit on the chariot as they are carried off to glory (my mom was a believer and is currently at the feet of Jesus)! That experience, as well as the death of my father several years before that, brought home to me the need to give, serve and love while we are here—not knowing when our last day will be. I have come to see money and material things as objects to hold loosely in this life. The material things under our care were given to us, by God, to bless others and to further His kingdom (period). The “stuff” we accumulate year after year will not go with us to heaven but will be burned up as hay and stubble when Jesus takes us home. The only thing that will matter is our contribution (time, money and resources) to His people and His kingdom.

Here is some wisdom from God’s Word regarding generosity:

“Give and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38

“He who has pity on the poor lends to the Lord, and He will pay back what he has given.” Proverbs 19:17

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21

“But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” Hebrews 13:16

“Freely you have received, freely give.” Matthew 10:8

“Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise, you have no reward from your Father in heaven. Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will himself reward you openly.” Matthew 6:1-4

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Faith: What is it and How do I Obtain it?

Posted on February 19, 2022 by Heart of the Matter

I’ve ridden this spaceship called earth for quite a few rotations around the sun. (How did you like that colorful tactic for not telling you how old I am?) In that time, I’ve experienced great loss, family health crises, divorce, natural consequences of sinful choices and many other things we humans experience in a lifetime. At this point, there are some things I know beyond a shadow of a doubt: God is who he says he is, he will do what His Word says he will do, he loves me with an unconditional love, he created me and wants his very best for me (always!), and he is in control of this universe he created.

This faith that I have in God gives me peace in the midst of trials and confidence that everything that happens to me and to my loved ones will be used by God to make us more like him. Nothing anyone can say or do would make me believe that God is anything but good. Nothing that happens could make me believe that God has turned his back on me. And nothing I could read or hear would make me doubt that God is the creator of the universe or the intelligent designer of yours truly. I believe God’s Word from cover to cover and trust his plan for me. I have faith. The definition of faith is, “to give up, surrender, or commit”. When we come to Christ, we give up our own desires, surrender to his leadership and call, and commit to live our lives in honor of him.

When you and I come to Christ it is only by God’s gift of faith that we do it. We cannot work our way to God through good deeds or worldly success. Ephesians 2:8-9 says this:”For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.”It is only by God’s grace that we can come to him in faith. How does God give us this faith? Well, saving faith comes packaged in the gospel message—the message of Jesus Christ and the sacrifice he made for us. Romans 10:17 says, “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.” When the gospel message goes out and people respond in repentance, turning to God, they are receiving the gift of faith and are then regenerated and given eternal life. And we cannot please God without faith and belief in him. Hebrews 11:6 says, “But without faith it is impossible to please him, for he who comes to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him.”

One of the outstanding verses on faith is Hebrews 11:1: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” The word, substance, is the key. In the Greek it is the word, hupostasis, which means the opposite of hypothesis or theory! Faith is substance. It is reality—and that reality is the Word of God. One person put it like this: Faith enables the believer to treat the future as present and the invisible as seen.

You may be saying, “I know someone who seems to have so much faith and never seems to get rattled by life’s difficulties. I would love to have faith like that.” Well, the good news is, our faith can and does grow as we go through life. God tests our faith and as we pass the tests, our faith grows.(James 1:3) We can also pray that our faith would increase. (Luke 17:5, Luke 11:9-12) The Bible says that God continually works in us to sanctify us, making us more like him. Hebrews 12:2 calls Jesus “the author and finisher (or perfector) of our faith”

Just like with other godly traits that God builds and refines in us once we come to him, we can cooperate with him as he ripens and strengthens our faith. We do this by regularly spending time in the Word, praying to God (when God answers our prayers it strengthens our faith), and spending time in community with other believers (strong faith can be catchy!).

In addition, I believe that the spiritual incubator of a (truly) Christian home can do a lot to instill and solidify strong faith in the children raised there. I believe that God blesses godly parents who pass on their faith and who model unwavering trust in God. I am blessed to have been raised in such a home.

If you have never accepted God’s free gift of eternal life, do so today. By faith, believe that Jesus is God’s Son and that he died to pay your sin debt and rose again to prepare a place for you in heaven. Commit to turn away from your old life and towards Jesus. Give up trying to work your way to heaven. Instead, come to Jesus by faith…and witness the fruit of a life lived for him.

You, too, can have faith—an extraordinary, unshakable, confidence in God’s promises, power, and presence. All you have to do is ask.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

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Hopelessly Devoted to You

Posted on February 2, 2022 by Heart of the Matter

Back in the 1970’s, Olivia Newton John sang a song called, “Hopelessly Devoted to You”. It was a song about the depths of devotion someone had for their love interest, even after their love had been spurned. Most of you are singing it in your head right now—it’s quite a catchy tune! Well, the lyrics of that song got me thinking about that word: devotion. It’s a word with a very deep and powerful meaning. It’s defined as: a strong love or loyalty to a person or cause.

As believers we are called to be devoted to the person and cause of Jesus Christ. In Matthew 22:37, Jesus says, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself'” In Mark 12:30, the word strength is added to this command. These profound words, heart, mind, soul, and strength, represent everything we are—a picture of complete devotion. And in the case of a believer’s devotion to Christ, this is not hopeless but hope-full devotion. Our devotion to Christ culminates in the reality of an eternity with Him!

In this life many things vie for our attention and devotion: our job, our church, our hobbies, our spouse, our children, etc. All of these things are a part of life, to be sure, but they can also distract us from what (who) should be our primary focus and first love, Jesus Christ.

What does it mean, practically, to be devoted to Christ? Does it means sitting in your quiet place with your Bible open 18 hours a day ruminating on scripture? Or maybe being up at the church every time the doors are open—tirelessly serving on committees and teaching Bible classes? No, in fact, much of the evidence of devotion to Christ is not even visible to others. Some of the most devoted Christians I know are: behind the scenes prayer warriors, generous (and anonymous) givers to missions and ministries, people who spend time in the Word and in prayer privately crying out to God on behalf of others. Devotion to God is not something that can be measured by the number of hours we volunteer at the local homeless shelter or by the length of our Sunday School attendance pin. (OK, I guess I showed my age there…no such thing as a Sunday School pin anymore or even the term Sunday School!)

The point is: Devotion to God involves more than service hours, singing in the choir, or church attendance. Devotion is measured by our heart attitude, our motive, our thoughts, our desire to spend time in His Word  communing with Him, expressing our love and adoration. It is measured by the sacrifices we are willing to make of our time, effort, money and comfort—with a joyful heart, expecting nothing in return. Devotion to God is reflected in how we treat our family and friends on a day to day basis. It is measured by how tightly we hold onto the things of this world—a telltale sign of a lack of total devotion to God. Devotion to God means loyalty to him and to His cause. We are not to be blown this way and that by “every wind of doctrine” allowing the world to determine what is right and true. Rather, we are to stand on the Word of God making it our standard of truth. That is devotion.

God, and only God, knows if you are truly devoted to Him. Although, devotion to God often shows itself in a believer’s countenance—devoted followers are often more peaceful, contented, effective, consistent (not sin-free, of course).

Step One (in being more devoted to Christ) is spending time in His Word—real quality time. Reduce distractions. Start with prayer. Ask the Holy Spirit to illuminate His Word and reveal what God is trying to say to you. Praise and thank Him for who he is. Pray that God would give you a new level of devotion to Him. Don’t be surprised if he leads you to let go of some of the things—even good things—that are getting in the way of total devotion to Him. Be prepared to make some changes in the people, places, and things that are in your life.

God loves you and wants your total devotion—he wants all of you. This life is only a small blip in time. I have a magnet on my fridge that says, “This life will soon be passed. Only what’s done for Christ will last.” Keep that in mind this week as you reevaluate your level of devotion to the one who died for you to purchase for you an eternity in the glorious presence of God.

 

 

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Dealing with Discord in Your Extended Family

Posted on March 19, 2021 by Heart of the Matter

Family—can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. Living peacefully in a family without experiencing any drama, disagreement or discord is nearly impossible. Instead, just when you think things are moving along smoothly, an issue crops up with a family member that smacks you in the head like a bolt of lightning out of the blue, making you think, “Where in the world did that come from?”

You wonder, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Well, no family is perfect. Every family is made up of fallible, fragile, human beings who don’t always act right. According to scripture, we are all sinners. Every member of your family will at one time or another experience emotional swings, stress, insecurity or frustration as they navigate the peaks and valleys of life. These feelings can manifest themselves as anger, bitterness or insensitivity towards other members of the family. When this happens you may feel hurt. You may think you have been unjustly accused, misunderstood, or disrespected.

So, what are we to do when we have a disagreement with a family member?

  1. Pray. The only way we can hope to bring resolution to the situation is to handle it in a spirit of Christ-like love and humility. And the only way to do that is to pray for wisdom, guidance, and Holy Spirit power.
  2. Resist the urge to strike back. (This is so hard for some of us.) Just take the punches and turn the other cheek. If you’ve ever sent that nasty reply via text message or left that derogatory comment on a family member’s answering machine, then you know the feeling of regret that quickly comes when you wish you could take it back but can’t. Someone gave me some advice one time to write it all down in a letter, then tear it up! That was really good advice!
  3. Know who you are in Christ. Mean-spirited words only have power if you allow them to. You are not who they say you are—you are who He says you are. See those words for what they are: a feeble attempt to tear you down in order to make that person feel bigger.
  4. Expect your motives to sometimes be misunderstood or misread. Everyone doesn’t understand true sincerity or simple kindness (especially unbelievers). It doesn’t compute in today’s world. People are often jaded and assume you are being sarcastic or insincere—especially when communication is occurring via texting or email.
  5. Apologize even when you know it wasn’t your fault. “Really?”, you say, “That can’t be right.” Actually, it’s that “turn the other cheek” thing again. We are to follow the example of Christ in all things—especially relationships. Apologize. Then apologize again.
  6. Forgive the offending party even though they haven’t asked for forgiveness. Forgive them as if they have. Let it go.
  7. Try to see the offending family member through spiritual eyes. Ask yourself, “How does God see this person?” “What stresses or problems might this person be going through?” God loves this person with all their faults, quirkiness and bad attitude and we are called to love them, too. Pray for grace, to really see them and consider the issues they have that may make them act this way.
  8. Let things go—as water under the bridge. Resist the urge to go back and revisit things. It’s much better to leave the past in the past and to start fresh with that particular family member.

Sometimes things resolve over time on their own. Sometimes there is no resolution but the parties involved are able to go forward and put the past behind them. If you are dealing with a non-believer, they are coming from a very different mindset. The best you can do may be to show them a picture of the unconditional love of God with humility and grace and then leave the rest up to Him. I have messed up numerous times over the years when dealing with family situations and I know many of you have, as well. Hopefully, these ideas will help us deal more mercifully and wisely with our family members when conflicts arise. Be ready! Because just when you think your family dynamic is all sunshine and flowers, your phone dings and there appears a nasty, random accusation from your family member.  And so it begins…

“A new commandment I give you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34

“Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled…” Hebrews 12:14-15

“Behold, how good and pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity”             Psalm 133:1-3

“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

“Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12

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