Grandparents: The Hidden Gem of Every Family

Posted on July 3, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

 

I just returned my 4 year old granddaughter to her parents after she spent a week with me. What a wonderful time we had: baking cupcakes, swimming in the pool, reading books, playing “beauty shop” and seeing a movie at the theater. Being with my grands is one of the things that brings me great joy these days, and although they live in another state, I try to make the effort to see them regularly.

This summer, I determined to have each of the two older grands for a few days by themselves, which is why my granddaughter was here. In a family with 4 kids, they don’t always get focused attention so, I like to provide that for them. When they are here by themselves, it’s all about them. I recently attended Grandparent’s Day at their school and will never forget something their  principal said to all of us grandparents. She said, “When you were raising your kids, the word of the day was, ‘no’, but now you are in the phase of, ‘yes’!” It is so true!  Yes, you can have that cookie even though it’s right before dinner; Yes, you can stay up late; yes, you can play in the rain; yes, we can read another book. You get the idea.

At the end of the summer is our yearly Grand Camp when we have all but the youngest for a week of fun and adventure. Due to the fact the we have a pool, they have to know how to swim or have taken a drown-proofing class, such as, Infant Swim Rescue before they can attend Grand Camp. My daughter even helps me design matching shirts for them to wear for the week! It’s a tradition we hope to keep up as long as we are able and there are grands who want to come.

It’s not always easy to spend an entire week with our grands—in fact, it can be very tiring at our age. But we think it’s important. Here’s why:

  • Grandparents can lavish love and attention on them while not having to be the day-to-day disciplinarians. Kids need to know they are unconditionally loved by someone other than their parents.
  • Grandparents can share family stories and traditions to give their grandkids a sense of history and belonging in the world.
  • Grandparents can provide for the grandkids a place of emotional support outside of their immediate family, when needed.
  • Grandparents can teach their grandkids about Jesus and share stories from the Bible.
  • Grandparents have the knowledge and experience gained from raising their own kids. They now have a second chance to use that wisdom and do even better! (If only I could go back, knowing what I know now, right?)

We spend a lot of time on the road visiting with or picking up our grands who live in a neighboring state. If you’re not able to drive long distances there are other things you can do for out-of-town grands: You can Facetime them weekly (ask their parents what time is best), write them letters and cards (it is such a novel idea these days, they will love it!), videotape yourself reading a book and send it to them (their parents) via email or text.

Parents are busy. Grandparents are a vital resource, especially, when there are multiple children in the home. Traditional values are fading fast, but—that’s our specialty! We can intentionally pass on our faith and values to the next generation, starting with our own grandkids.

“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him.” Psalm 127:3 (NIV)

“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them dilligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, When you lie down and when you rise up.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (NKJV)

 

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Sorting Through the Clutter: A Family Project

Posted on July 2, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

 

 

Our three kiddos.

I sat contentedly in a camping chair watching my grown children amidst the clutter and chaos of our latest family project—a long-overdue sorting of their childhood artifacts and memories. This year we had them all home for Thanksgiving—a rare occurrence now that they are married and some living out-of-state.

Knowing they would all be in town; I took the opportunity to initiate a family project. When I informed them of my day-after-Thanksgiving scheme, they were all thrilled beyond measure (insert sarcastic emoji here!)

The project involved sorting through lots of stuff (schoolwork, books, trophies, collections, etc.) that I had been saving for years in plastic tubs in a storage unit.

The day after Thanksgiving we all headed to the mini-storage, grandkids included, and opened our 10×20 unit. In front of us were tubs of all sizes precariously stacked from floor to ceiling, labeled with each child’s name. Each of our three children took their respective tubs and set up in the hallway where they could sort, purge and reminisce. We had trash bags for the things they wanted to throw away and boxes for items they wanted to donate. They were also free to take anything back with them they wanted to keep.

They sorted for 4-5 hours and at least 20 bags of trash were hauled to the dumpster. It was fun to see their faces light up as they found particular keepsakes, awards and favorite toys—long-lost relics of their fading childhood.

As for me, someone who loves organization and detests clutter, I was in heaven. We reduced the contents of our storage unit by at least two-thirds (I allowed them each to put a few tubs back in since some of them live in small apartments) and I felt like a weight was lifted off me, as I had been wanting to get this done for several years.

Why had I kept their childhood memories for so long, you might ask?

Well, because I knew that, eventually, this day would come, when they would all be grown with kids of their own. I was sure they would enjoy rediscovering their special keepsakes and favorite things. And I knew that the grandkids would love to see their parents’ most treasured items. Some things were snatched up by the grands to take home–new “old” toys that caught their eye despite their imperfections and aged patina.

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Roots are Easy, Wings are Hard : Preparing Your Children for Success

Posted on June 17, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

 

 

 

We’ve all heard that we need to give our children roots and wings. I think we can all agree that the roots part is easy; we just love them consistently, provide for their basic needs and let them know they are forever a part of our family. As we do that, we’re sinking those roots deep into the fertile soil of family togetherness.

But what about wings? Do we really have to equip them to fly away? I’d rather just keep my children safely under my protective wing forever so nothing can hurt them. There’s only one problem with that, if I never let them go, how will they complete the important mission God has for them to do in the world? Every child has unique gifts, talents, and personality traits that God intends to use for His purposes. It’s our responsibility to make those wings strong and sure, so that when they leave the nest, they can complete their all-important mission. Here are a few pointers for parents to help in the wing-shaping process.

  • Don’t be a helicopter parent.

When our children are young, we want to be there as much as possible for their protection and support. It’s how we show them we care. As they get older, however, they need space to grow and develop. For example: It’s ok to go on a field trip with your 2nd grader. Good job on racking up those volunteer hours! Chaperoning every single field trip and event with your middle-schooler? Not so cool. If you are still going on every field trip and showing up at school every time the doors open once your child reaches high school—maybe, it’s time to land that helicopter. Older students need to experience things by themselves to learn and grow. It’s time they navigate new situations without mom, an important life skill. They need the opportunity to analyze options and make decisions for themselves. For example, an older student on a field trip by themselves will have to keep up with their own ticket, get to a meeting place on time and manage their own cash for the trip— all of which help to develop responsibility. Your child will have to pay attention and listen for themselves—tuning in to the instructions given by the teacher. If you are always there, your child will rely on you to hear and remember the pertinent information. Every time your child has experiences away from you, they gain confidence and find out they can indeed, navigate the world on their own.

  • Allow your older child (3rd-12th grade) to do their own homework.

Does this really need to be said? Unfortunately, yes. I’ve known parents who’ve spent hours sitting by their middle school child at the table coaxing them painstakingly through every homework question—blood pressure rising to dangerous levels by the minute— just so their child wouldn’t get in trouble for not finishing it. Parents, life is too short for that. What will happen if your child is left to do their homework by themselves and they don’t do it? They will learn about consequences, time management, and how to ask questions about material they don’t understand. Your middle school child needs to be confident enough to say, “Mrs. Jones, I don’t get this. Do you think you could find a time to help me?” They can learn to do this, with practice and encouragement from you. Allowing your child the opportunity to do their own homework will help them develop confidence and competence that they wouldn’t otherwise have.

  • Encourage your older child to do their own communicating when there is an issue— with friends, teachers or coaches.

This is especially important for high school students. Are you calling the school every time your student doesn’t like the grade they got on a test? How about when your child doesn’t feel they’re getting enough playing time in their sport? In cases like this, you should have a conversation with your child to clarify the issue, pray with them, and maybe give them some wisdom as to how to proceed. But your child needs to learn to respectfully approach the teacher or coach and set up a time to meet with them to discuss the issue. Even older elementary students should be encouraged to talk to the teacher if they have an issue in the classroom. You can send a quick email stating that, “Johnny has an issue he’d like to talk to you about.” That way the teacher will be prepared and will see that it happens.

  • Allow your child to cross the bridges to adulthood with confidence and in a timely manner.

I’m talking about getting their driver’s license, applying for a part-time job, spending the day with a group of friends, etc. Of course, you know your own child and will know when they are ready but, don’t let your own fear be a roadblock for them as they begin to spread their wings. Remember, the children in your nest are on loan to you from the Creator, who has a specific plan and purpose for their life. You can trust him. He loves them infinitely more than you do. Don’t hold your kids back from these important milestones.

  • Include your child in family plans and decisions.

Let your child know that his opinion has value, and his input is appreciated. When we raise our children with respect and show appreciation for their contribution to the family, they’ll be more likely to contribute their ideas and opinions in the wider world. Now, more than ever, we need young people who have the courage to speak up for Christian values.

  • Teach your child that God loves them and has a plan for them.

Share the Gospel with your child. Tell them God has a wonderful, specific, plan for their life. Help them understand that as they walk in His ways, they will have Holy Spirit power to succeed and to impact the world. Model kindness, generosity, and respect, in your home. Your example will go a long way towards making them responsible, independent and caring young adults.

That doesn’t sound too hard, does it? In a nutshell, we are to:

  • Love unconditionally.
  • Provide opportunities for growth and development.
  • Encourage our children’s gifts and strengths.
  • Teach our children that God is real, ever-present, and all-powerful!

Parenting can be challenging but also, so rewarding. God chose you to be the parent of that precious child of yours. He’s equipped you to do the job. Ultimately, you must let go of his hand, give him a gentle push, and, in faith, let God take it from there.

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Post-Mom Life and the Search for Significance

Posted on June 17, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

 

I recently slid quietly into a new decade of life—one where I get discounts on Tuesdays at certain department stores, receive targeted ads for wrinkle creams on my computer, and qualify to go on the church bus to the botanical garden with the senior ministry at my church. It happened so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was driving my mom taxi to games, debates, and recitals. It was a busy and purposeful time. I taught school on and off for many years and enjoyed it so much. I felt needed, valued and self-confident and knew I was making an impact on many young lives. I saw my role as a mom as incredibly important—even world changing. Lately, though, after retiring from teaching and seeing my last child get married and begin life on her own, something has come over me. It’s hard to explain but feels like a sense of loss—a lack of direction.

I know from talking to other female friends and relatives that these feelings are not mine alone. When women reach a certain age and our child-rearing duties are done we often feel lost, unsure, invisible, under-appreciated. At the same time, we know in our hearts that we have skills and talents that are just as strong as ever. We are leaders, organizers, encouragers and teachers. We still want to be useful, to make an impact, to share our wisdom with others. We want our lives to matter—even as we soldier on into the golden years.

What is it that contributes to this feeling of uselessness or disenfranchisement for senior adults like me? Well, often our churches and communities tend to look to the younger generation to fill positions of leadership and service. Senior adults are sometimes overlooked. Perhaps a lack of confidence that comes with aging plays a role, as well. We don’t know if we are actually up to the task anymore. I don’t know what happened to that confidence I had in my 30’s and 40’s—no matter what task it was, I just knew I was the best person for the job! Now, when I think about filling a particular need or position in my church or community I often talk myself out of it, thinking, “Oh, I’m sure there’s a younger person who would be better”.

So, how should we view this issue as believers? Should we hang up our service hat when we turn 60? Absolutely not. Let’s look at some older women of the Bible who had great impact into their later years:

Lois, the grandmother of Timothy, demonstrated the power of godly older women to influence the next generation as she taught him to know and abide by the Word of God.

Naomi, the mother-in-law of Ruth, persevered through tragedy (loss of her husband and sons) to secure a future for her family. She showed great strength and faith throughout her life.

Anna, the prophetess, first sees Jesus 40 days after His birth at His purification ceremony. She recognized Jesus’ significance and the impact He would have on Jerusalem. She was 105 years old at the time. Anna remained vibrant and useful to the Lord until her death.

Elizabeth, wife of Zacharias, was 88 years old when she gave birth to John the Baptist! She was a relative and dear friend to Mary, the mother of Jesus.

Deborah, a judge of Israel, ruled the people with wisdom and encouragement for 40 years. She was loyal to God and inspired her people to victory in battle, guiding them to live in faith.

The bottom line is: Women like you and I can have an impact well into our golden years. In fact, God expects us to continue to serve. There is still so much to do—and we have the wisdom, experience, and skill to do it!

People in your sphere of influence need encouragement, prayer and guidance. Your church needs your giftedness and willingness to serve. Lost people need to hear the gospel.Your community needs your experience and support. As the world falls steadily away from the truth of God’s Word, your engagement is needed now more than ever!

God still has a plan for you—a vital part in His kingdom mission.

And…you are no less valuable to God now than you were in your younger days. You are precious to Him.

Pray for God’s guidance and direction as to what he would have you do in your church or community. Pray for the confidence to take on the task. Pray for renewed purpose and inner peace as you move into the next phase of life. God is faithful. And life isn’t over yet!

 

Posted in Christianity, Church Life, Grandparenting, Parenting, Service, Spiritual Encouragement | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Time to Land That Helicopter: The Changing Role of Parents When Their Children Marry

Posted on June 16, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

I have loved being a mom. It has truly been my most fulfilling role in life. Of course, I’ve had other roles over the years. I’ve been a wife, daughter, granddaughter, elementary teacher, volunteer, Bible study leader, VBS worker and choir member, among other things. God has no doubt used me in all of these roles to impact others and to grow my faith but, the role of mom gave me purpose, confidence and immeasurable joy.

I know, some of you young moms are thinking, “What?! Is she crazy? I’m up to my elbows in dirty diapers and spit up…my home is a Lego minefield! I don’t feel confident or joyful!” But if you give yourself a moment to reflect (I know, I know, a moment to reflect…what is that?) I’m sure the Lord will bring to mind all of the beautiful moments you have shared with your kids. And when your children are all grown and out of the house, as mine are, and you look back on your body of work as their mom, I pray you, too, will recognize the joy and purpose they brought to your life.

In this post I hope to share some wisdom regarding those grown children—the ones who are getting married, moving out of the house and starting their own families.

My husband and I have two sons and a daughter who are all married. Our oldest son has been married for 10 years, our next son for 5, and our daughter for 1 year. We are very proud of all of them and have enjoyed watching them blossom and grow in their new roles.

When your child marries, there are several things you need to come to grips with:

  • Your role has changed—drastically and forever (sorry if that sounds harsh).

You’ve spent many years as your child’s caregiver. You made sure he ate his vegetables, wore his coat on cold days, made it to school on time and sipped on chicken soup when he was sick. Once your child is married, this is no longer your job. It’s the job of his spouse. Your son’s new wife’s role is to be his helpmate, even if that role doesn’t look the same as it did for you when you got married. Our middle son and his wife share many of the jobs in their home, in fact, he now regularly offers to help with the dishes at our home when he visits! Imagine that! In their case, both of them have careers and so it makes sense for them to share chores at home. Our oldest son really gets in there and helps at home, as well, bathing the kids, cooking, and cleaning. Our daughter seems to be following what she learned from her mama, for the most part, and is pretty traditional in how she runs their home. They are all working out their roles and responsibilities as they go along and it is wonderful. It is also, none of our business how our grown kids allocate jobs and duties in their own families. We have to trust that our daughters-in-law, the ones that God provided, will learn and grow over the years and will be able to take care of our sons and their growing families perhaps even better than we did.

Another thing that may have to change when your young adult child marries is your communication with them. If before they married you insisted that your son or daughter: talk to you daily from college, text you when they made it safely home from late night events, call you every day on their lunch break from their job, etc, (let’s all say it together: helicopter parent) it is time to let that expectation go! You are no longer their text buddy, their best friend, or their parental parole officer. Their spouse is now their best friend and text buddy—and parole officer, if needed. Sometimes, in the case of sons, it is dad who has trouble with this one. It’s very hard for many dads to let their sons go if they have had a close relationship. Moms letting daughters go can be tough, as well. But, once your child gets married, their spouse is the one with whom they will discuss plans and ideas, make decisions and share the ups and downs of daily life. They do not need you texting them every day or multiple times a day with trivial comments or probing questions.

Now, lest you think I am saying your adult children should not communicate with you or come to you for wisdom and advice, I am not. That is certainly still an important role for parents of adult children. Parents have the wisdom and experience that can come in handy in many cases. If they ask for your advice on an important matter, by all means, give it. But in order for your married kids to strengthen their bond, grow, and learn to trust each other, they need to be able to practice making decisions and discussing ideas together. Communication is so important in marriage and you and I as the parents, do not need to hijack theirs.

  • Putting too many expectations on your adult children will be detrimental to their marriage.

When your children get married, they are developing new traditions, establishing their own routines and settling into their own rhythm of life.With the multifaceted structure of many families today, it can be very stressful for them as they are pulled in many directions by parents, in-laws, step-parents, divorced parents— for holidays, birthdays and special events. We have been very careful not to put expectations on our married kids in this regard. They know we are always up for a visit, that we love them immensely and that we enjoy spending time with them. When they decide to come see us we jump for joy! But we do not put pressure on them to come—ever. I know it can be hard not to feel slighted if they seem to be spending more time with the other side of the family but, there is no place for guilt trips, tears or anger. Bite your tongue, say a prayer, and be patient. As little kids like to say, you are no longer the boss of them! And it will be your turn eventually. Make your home a place they will love to visit. Create an atmosphere of acceptance, joy and fun. They won’t be able to resist! If your married children live close by, this point can be even trickier but is just as important. You may be tempted to put even more expectation on them—wanting them to come by and have dinner with you a couple times a week or to invite you over to their place regularly. Resist the urge to put that pressure on your married kids who happen to live nearby.

I’m going to go out on a limb here with some straightforward advice for when your kids get married: Go on with your life. Get a hobby. Get reaquainted with your spouse. Leave them alone.

  • Getting involved in their disagreements will not end well.

It is not your job to get involved in your children’s disagreements with their spouses. Stay out of it. Do not take sides. In fact, don’t allow them to drag you into it in the first place. If your adult child comes to you complaining about their spouse, say something like, “Honey, I love you, but it’s best if you work that out with Jane/Joe. But, I will certainly pray about it with you if you’d like.” I am happy to say, our married kids have never come to us with complaints about each other. We are blissfully ignorant of their squabbles.

  • Now, a word about daughters-in-law:

I have two lovely, sweet, smart daughters-in-law. God really blessed me good with the two of them and I don’t take that for granted. They are wonderful, loving wives and my oldest son’s wife (the only one with children thus far) is a fantastic mom who is leading her children in the ways of the Lord. I have a great relationship with them both and want to keep it that way. I refrain from telling them how to run their home, raise their children, clean their house, cook, or take care of their husband. It is their home and they have their own way of doing things. My role in regard to my daughters-in-law is that of encourager, cheerleader and friend. They know that I am there for them if they want advice on anything but I do not offer it unsolicited.

I do try to model a life of faith and devotion to Jesus Christ for all of my children. That is a very important exception to the rule of not interjecting yourself into their lives! It’s critical that we use every method at our disposal to pass on the baton of faith to the next generation! So do talk to them about the importance of being a part of a community of faith (a local church) and of personal time in the Word and of raising their kids to know and love the Lord. Speak it with love and gentleness and model it in your own life.

“And the Lord God said,’It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.'” Genesis 2:18

“…Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave His father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:4-6

Friends, when your son or daughter finds the one their soul loves and marries them, it is then time for you to: pass the baton, rip off the bandaid, cut the apron strings, change the locks (just kidding with that one!)—land that helicopter once and for all. Understand and embrace that your role has drastically changed. You did a wonderful job nurturing, training and loving those little children God placed in your care, but now it’s time to switch gears, embrace your new role and let them create their own life independent from you. Continue to be a supporter, an encourager and a model of a joy-filled, purpose driven, Christ-centered life. And when the phone rings and your married child is on the line, thank God for them and for the new—different, but just as fulfilling—relationship that you now enjoy.

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