Time to Land That Helicopter: The Changing Role of Parents When Their Children Marry

Posted on June 16, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

I have loved being a mom. It has truly been my most fulfilling role in life. Of course, I’ve had other roles over the years. I’ve been a wife, daughter, granddaughter, elementary teacher, volunteer, Bible study leader, VBS worker and choir member, among other things. God has no doubt used me in all of these roles to impact others and to grow my faith but, the role of mom gave me purpose, confidence and immeasurable joy.

I know, some of you young moms are thinking, “What?! Is she crazy? I’m up to my elbows in dirty diapers and spit up…my home is a Lego minefield! I don’t feel confident or joyful!” But if you give yourself a moment to reflect (I know, I know, a moment to reflect…what is that?) I’m sure the Lord will bring to mind all of the beautiful moments you have shared with your kids. And when your children are all grown and out of the house, as mine are, and you look back on your body of work as their mom, I pray you, too, will recognize the joy and purpose they brought to your life.

In this post I hope to share some wisdom regarding those grown children—the ones who are getting married, moving out of the house and starting their own families.

My husband and I have two sons and a daughter who are all married. Our oldest son has been married for 10 years, our next son for 5, and our daughter for 1 year. We are very proud of all of them and have enjoyed watching them blossom and grow in their new roles.

When your child marries, there are several things you need to come to grips with:

  • Your role has changed—drastically and forever (sorry if that sounds harsh).

You’ve spent many years as your child’s caregiver. You made sure he ate his vegetables, wore his coat on cold days, made it to school on time and sipped on chicken soup when he was sick. Once your child is married, this is no longer your job. It’s the job of his spouse. Your son’s new wife’s role is to be his helpmate, even if that role doesn’t look the same as it did for you when you got married. Our middle son and his wife share many of the jobs in their home, in fact, he now regularly offers to help with the dishes at our home when he visits! Imagine that! In their case, both of them have careers and so it makes sense for them to share chores at home. Our oldest son really gets in there and helps at home, as well, bathing the kids, cooking, and cleaning. Our daughter seems to be following what she learned from her mama, for the most part, and is pretty traditional in how she runs their home. They are all working out their roles and responsibilities as they go along and it is wonderful. It is also, none of our business how our grown kids allocate jobs and duties in their own families. We have to trust that our daughters-in-law, the ones that God provided, will learn and grow over the years and will be able to take care of our sons and their growing families perhaps even better than we did.

Another thing that may have to change when your young adult child marries is your communication with them. If before they married you insisted that your son or daughter: talk to you daily from college, text you when they made it safely home from late night events, call you every day on their lunch break from their job, etc, (let’s all say it together: helicopter parent) it is time to let that expectation go! You are no longer their text buddy, their best friend, or their parental parole officer. Their spouse is now their best friend and text buddy—and parole officer, if needed. Sometimes, in the case of sons, it is dad who has trouble with this one. It’s very hard for many dads to let their sons go if they have had a close relationship. Moms letting daughters go can be tough, as well. But, once your child gets married, their spouse is the one with whom they will discuss plans and ideas, make decisions and share the ups and downs of daily life. They do not need you texting them every day or multiple times a day with trivial comments or probing questions.

Now, lest you think I am saying your adult children should not communicate with you or come to you for wisdom and advice, I am not. That is certainly still an important role for parents of adult children. Parents have the wisdom and experience that can come in handy in many cases. If they ask for your advice on an important matter, by all means, give it. But in order for your married kids to strengthen their bond, grow, and learn to trust each other, they need to be able to practice making decisions and discussing ideas together. Communication is so important in marriage and you and I as the parents, do not need to hijack theirs.

  • Putting too many expectations on your adult children will be detrimental to their marriage.

When your children get married, they are developing new traditions, establishing their own routines and settling into their own rhythm of life.With the multifaceted structure of many families today, it can be very stressful for them as they are pulled in many directions by parents, in-laws, step-parents, divorced parents— for holidays, birthdays and special events. We have been very careful not to put expectations on our married kids in this regard. They know we are always up for a visit, that we love them immensely and that we enjoy spending time with them. When they decide to come see us we jump for joy! But we do not put pressure on them to come—ever. I know it can be hard not to feel slighted if they seem to be spending more time with the other side of the family but, there is no place for guilt trips, tears or anger. Bite your tongue, say a prayer, and be patient. As little kids like to say, you are no longer the boss of them! And it will be your turn eventually. Make your home a place they will love to visit. Create an atmosphere of acceptance, joy and fun. They won’t be able to resist! If your married children live close by, this point can be even trickier but is just as important. You may be tempted to put even more expectation on them—wanting them to come by and have dinner with you a couple times a week or to invite you over to their place regularly. Resist the urge to put that pressure on your married kids who happen to live nearby.

I’m going to go out on a limb here with some straightforward advice for when your kids get married: Go on with your life. Get a hobby. Get reaquainted with your spouse. Leave them alone.

  • Getting involved in their disagreements will not end well.

It is not your job to get involved in your children’s disagreements with their spouses. Stay out of it. Do not take sides. In fact, don’t allow them to drag you into it in the first place. If your adult child comes to you complaining about their spouse, say something like, “Honey, I love you, but it’s best if you work that out with Jane/Joe. But, I will certainly pray about it with you if you’d like.” I am happy to say, our married kids have never come to us with complaints about each other. We are blissfully ignorant of their squabbles.

  • Now, a word about daughters-in-law:

I have two lovely, sweet, smart daughters-in-law. God really blessed me good with the two of them and I don’t take that for granted. They are wonderful, loving wives and my oldest son’s wife (the only one with children thus far) is a fantastic mom who is leading her children in the ways of the Lord. I have a great relationship with them both and want to keep it that way. I refrain from telling them how to run their home, raise their children, clean their house, cook, or take care of their husband. It is their home and they have their own way of doing things. My role in regard to my daughters-in-law is that of encourager, cheerleader and friend. They know that I am there for them if they want advice on anything but I do not offer it unsolicited.

I do try to model a life of faith and devotion to Jesus Christ for all of my children. That is a very important exception to the rule of not interjecting yourself into their lives! It’s critical that we use every method at our disposal to pass on the baton of faith to the next generation! So do talk to them about the importance of being a part of a community of faith (a local church) and of personal time in the Word and of raising their kids to know and love the Lord. Speak it with love and gentleness and model it in your own life.

“And the Lord God said,’It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.'” Genesis 2:18

“…Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave His father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:4-6

Friends, when your son or daughter finds the one their soul loves and marries them, it is then time for you to: pass the baton, rip off the bandaid, cut the apron strings, change the locks (just kidding with that one!)—land that helicopter once and for all. Understand and embrace that your role has drastically changed. You did a wonderful job nurturing, training and loving those little children God placed in your care, but now it’s time to switch gears, embrace your new role and let them create their own life independent from you. Continue to be a supporter, an encourager and a model of a joy-filled, purpose driven, Christ-centered life. And when the phone rings and your married child is on the line, thank God for them and for the new—different, but just as fulfilling—relationship that you now enjoy.

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Generosity: The best of God’s spiritual fruit all rolled into one!

Posted on June 15, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

Generosity—the epitome of godly character. It is, at once: love, kindness, faithfulness and selflessness—a spring bouquet of spiritual fruit.

Generosity comes in many forms. For instance, there is the act of giving one’s time to help another human being in need. Perhaps you give up a Saturday to help someone move, give someone a ride, or counsel a hurting friend. Many of us are so possessive of our free time and obsessive about our personal routine that we won’t stop what we’re doing to help people. Or, we think to ourselves, “I’m sure someone else will do it.”

Sometimes generosity means sharing our material blessings. Perhaps a friend is temporarily in need of a car and you just happen to have an extra parked in your driveway. Or a visiting pastor or missionary needs a place to lay their head and you have a spare bedroom now that your kids are out of the house. Maybe you have an area large enough to host your church Life Group for a fellowship. These are all wonderful ways in which you can exhibit generosity and at the same time, show that you are not holding on too tightly to the things of this world.

The act most often associated with generosity is giving our actual money to worthy causes and needy people. It is through the generosity of God’s people that Christian ministries are funded and missionaries are sent. In 2 Corinthians 9:7 it says, “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” Always remember: your money and possessions are God’s anyway! You have nothing that He has not allowed you to have.

Luke 12:48 says, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

Generosity not only has a powerful impact for the Kingdom of God, but it has a tremendous impact on the giver himself. When we give, expecting nothing in return, purely out of love and selflessness, we are rewarded with joy, peace and a sense of fulfillment and purpose. Why? Because we are walking in obedience to God’s Word and reaping the reward for it. Make no mistake, giving that is done grudgingly or pridefully is an unworthy sacrifice. It’s useless. God knows your heart, dear friend. You may as well keep your money in your wallet if your motivation is impure. We can find many, many examples of well-known philanthropists in the world today who give for their own edification. This is not the type of generosity espoused in the Bible.

Generosity is displayed through love, kindness, faithfulness and selflessness.

So, how can we show love to our neighbor when they are hurting? Make them a meal, pay them a visit, send them a card. How can we show kindness to the homeless man beside the road? Give him your spare change, buy him a fast food meal, give him a blanket or a coat. How can we exhibit faithfulness to God’s mission in the world? Tithe above and beyond and support your church’s ministries. Give faithfully to missions and ministries in your area—of your time, money and resources. How can we demonstrate selflessness  in our families and communities? Put your own needs aside, be willing to disrupt your routine and put others’ needs before your own. Learn to act in a self-sacrificial way. If you have rarely or never given up your own desires for another then you probably do not have a spirit of generosity. Pray that God will work in that area of your life.

And remember—anonymous giving is the very best kind of giving!

My mother recently passed away at 95 years old. If you have ever experienced the loss of an elderly loved one then you have seen the amount of “stuff” that can accumulate in a lifetime—stuff that certainly won’t fit on the chariot as they are carried off to glory (my mom was a believer and is currently at the feet of Jesus)! That experience, as well as the death of my father several years before that, brought home to me the need to give, serve and love while we are here—not knowing when our last day will be. I have come to see money and material things as objects to hold loosely in this life. The material things under our care were given to us, by God, to bless others and to further His kingdom (period). The “stuff” we accumulate year after year will not go with us to heaven but will be burned up as hay and stubble when Jesus takes us home. The only thing that will matter is our contribution (time, money and resources) to His people and His kingdom.

Here is some wisdom from God’s Word regarding generosity:

“Give and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38

“He who has pity on the poor lends to the Lord, and He will pay back what he has given.” Proverbs 19:17

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21

“But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” Hebrews 13:16

“Freely you have received, freely give.” Matthew 10:8

“Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise, you have no reward from your Father in heaven. Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will himself reward you openly.” Matthew 6:1-4

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Disciple vs Believer: Is there a difference?

Posted on May 23, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

“It is possible to know all about doctrine and still not know Jesus.”

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest.

Over the years, there have been untold numbers of books written about faith, Christianity and Jesus Christ. Learned men have studied, meditated and pored over volumes of deep theological material so that they could speak and teach on the subject. Many have earned advanced degrees in theology at universities and seminaries across the country. One can certainly find layer upon layer of knowledge in academic works and in the Word of God.

Most people in our country today believe there is a God. I know it’s hard to imagine but it’s still true. Many even believe he had a Son whose name was Jesus who lived and taught a long time ago. Some would say they try their best to obey the “big ten” (commandments, that is). But did you know that having extensive doctrinal knowledge, strictly adhering to a particular creed, obeying a set of laws or even believing in the existence of God will not get you to heaven? You see, head knowledge is not the point.

Christianity is not about how much you know, but, about who you know.

Being a Christian is about having a personal relationship with Jesus as your Lord and Savior and accepting His gift of salvation—accomplished through His death on the cross.

Someone once said, “Christianity is not about rules but about relationship.”

If you have come to know Jesus Christ and consider yourself a believer, consider this: Are you also a disciple?

Being a believer is not the same thing as being a disciple. 

A disciple is devoted to the person of Jesus Christ rather than to a doctrine or creed.

A disciple is willing to make sacrifices for the cause of Christ.

A disciple follows where Jesus leads in this life—both figuratively and literally.

A disciple has a personal and prayerful relationship with Jesus Christ.

“The one true sign of discipleship is intimate oneness with Him.”

 Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest,

A disciple represents God well in the world and is ever-mindful of their witness among the unsaved.

A disciple shares the message of the master—the Good News of salvation in Jesus Christ.

Remember how the disciples (that burley rag-tag bunch of rascals) in the Bible left everything—immediately—to follow Jesus? From that point on, their lives became all about Him. They left their families and their jobs behind. They preached His message. They hung on His every word. They learned from Him. They spent time with Him. They were devoted to Him.

May we be as devoted to our master today. Let’s live life as true disciples: soaking up His Word at every opportunity, establishing the cause of Christ as our main priority, bringing others to Him as they watch our life and experience our love and mercy.

And don’t forget: to be a true disciple, we must know our master intimately. That means spending time in prayer and in the Word. We must follow in His steps, day-by-day and hour-by-hour.

Begin today to live a life of true discipleship. You wont regret it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Picking the Right Team (in soccer and in life)

Posted on May 23, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

 

Recently, my husband and I had the joy of taking our 5 year old grandson to his soccer game while his parents were otherwise engaged. The task was a challenge for several reasons: This was a new league for him so he wasn’t that familiar with his coach or teammates, it was a very large, unfamiliar venue, and…he was not in the mood to play (to say the least). The morning was very hectic so his mom had thrown his uniform and cleats in a bag for us to put on him when we arrived at the field. Upon parking the car, the battle ensued. Our grandson was not havin’ it (as we like to say in the south). He wouldn’t put the uniform on and did not want to play. Through a tirade of tears and pouts, we eventually won the battle of the uniform and headed over to the field.

There was only one problem. There were at least 10 teams playing on the various fields that day and among the sea of parents and kids, he didn’t recognize his coach! We asked him, “What does your coach look like?”, “Do you see any of your teammates?”, “What’s the name of your team?” All we got in response was a blank stare.

After a few minutes, his wonderful coach, seeing our bewildered looks, came over, took our grandson’s hand and led him onto the field for warm-ups. He ended up playing hard and having a great time with his friends. Praise the Lord for patient and enthusiastic coaches of young children!

The funniest thing about that day is that our grandson (the one who was pouting, crying and being stubborn in the parking lot before the game) earned the sportsmanship award! I find that hilariously ironic.

As adults, we sometimes aren’t sure what team we are on. Not in soccer, of course, but, in life. We follow advice that is not sound because we are more concerned about keeping friendships than following God. We join into gossip-laden conversations because we want to be liked. We unite with a group that is discontent at work or at church and follow them in rebellion. It seems peer pressure (a characteristic of the teen years) can be a factor even in adulthood.

When faced with big decisions in life, it is critical to pray, consult the Word of God, and listen for His voice. If there are others facing the same issue, encourage them to do the same. Never jump on a team with (or follow) people who are functioning in the flesh—especially if they are angry, bitter or acting impulsively. Think for yourself. The world is watching. We always want to follow God’s leading in our lives and not just follow the crowd. 

The bottom line is, like my grandson (who is actually the apple of our eye), be sure you are on the right team! Be ever mindful of your witness and diligent in prayer—especially in times of change or decision-making. God is, after all, the ultimate coach. Know Him. Listen to His wisdom. Follow Him.

In life, as in soccer, play your hardest, with a happy heart and a positive attitude. Who knows? You too, may win the sportsmanship award!

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Minimalist Christianity: Three Reasons Why it’s Not OK.

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Heart of the Matter

You go to church on Sunday mornings. You may even tithe occasionally—as long as there is nothing more pressing on which to spend your money. You walked the aisle as a young child and you know that you know, that you’re saved.

Everything’s hunky dory, right? Well, if minimalist Christianity is your goal then, yes, you’ve hit the mark.

Minimalism is a popular lifestyle choice today. Many people have come to realize the burden of excess that’s prevalent in our culture and have cleaned out their garages, sold their extra vehicles, and carted truckloads of stuff to the local thrift store. There’s something to be said for that! I am constantly cleaning out drawers and closets, purging them of unneccesary items and urging my husband (a bit of a pack rat) to do the same.

When it comes to Christianity, however, less is not more. Living a fulfilling and obedient Christian life requires more than the bare minimum, and here is why:

  1. Jesus Christ gave his all for us! He died on the cross suffering shame, rejection, and pain so that we could be reconciled to God and relocate to our heavenly home where we will be in His very presence for eternity. Can we not give more of our lives than a mere hour or two on Sunday mornings?  Are we exerting only minimal effort in serving Christ?
  2. God has given us each a set of specific and unique gifts and talents with which to serve the kingdom of God. If we are not using those gifts, we are inhibiting the function of His church. Of course, not everyone is equipped to teach a Sunday school class or to participate in the music program as a singer or instrumentalist, but perhaps you have a special gift for intercessory prayer or service to the elderly. As the old saying goes, “We are saved to serve, not saved to sit!”
  3. If you have fallen into complacency and are living a minimalist Christian life, you may be—subtly— dragging others down that path right along with you. Dads: Is your life an example of devotion and faithfulness to Jesus Christ? Would your family say of you that serving Christ, spiritual growth, prayer, Bible study and sharing Christ with others are a priority? Moms: Has making it to the gym become more important than meeting the needs of a neighbor in distress or spending time in the Word? Your family and friends are watching. Dads, especially—as the God-ordained spiritual leaders of the home—are teaching by example every moment of the day whether or not they take their faith seriously.

Accepting Jesus Christ is simple and straightforward. We call on Him to save us from our sin, repent, and confess Him as our Lord and Savior—acknowledging Him as the Son of God and the only way of salvation. When we have a personal relationship with Christ, we have the Holy Spirit within us and our life can be filled with joy and peace. However, a truly fulfilling and impactful life requires self-sacrifice, service and devotion to the One True God. Don’t waste your life. Tune in to what God is calling you to do. Open your eyes to those God places in your path to help or encourage. Moms of littles: There is no higher calling than raising those children in the Lord—nurturing, loving, training and disciplining them. That is your service. Your time for other types of service will come. For now, embrace your role as their mama and fuel yourself with the Word of God whenever you can. Find other mamas for friendship and support. For the rest of us:

Don’t be a minimalist Christian. (better known as a S.M.O., Sunday morning only) Look for ways to serve and to grow in the knowledge of the Word. Give what you can to missions. Have a personal quiet time where you can commune with the God of the universe. Find someone to mentor or encourage. Begin keeping a prayer journal and watch how God answers your prayers for yourself and others.

By all means, embrace minimalism at home and purge the excess—clean out your garage, closets and drawers—but do not be a minimalist Christian.

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