Heart of the Matter

When our children are small, we do our best to teach them good habits and to develop positive character traits—although, admittedly, we sometimes take our eye off the ball and fall back into just getting through the week. Sometimes our well-thought-out parenting plan and intentionality go right out the window. My husband and I were like that. We did what we could to teach good habits and shape our children’s character but were hopelessly inconsistent and often fell short.

Now that our children are grown (all are married now), we find ourselves wondering if we did all we could to prepare them to be the kind of marriage partners who will go the distance. We are very proud of our kids and are so blessed that they all know the Lord. They are smart, kind and caring individuals and we love them dearly, therefore, we want God’s very best for them.

We pray for our children and their marriages nearly every day—that they will have what it takes to remain happily married. You see, both my husband and I were married before, years ago. We know how hard it is. We know what a clever trickster satan is and how he loves to destroy families. We know how weak humans can be when it comes to perseverance, selflessness, and sacrifice. And second marriages are certainly not a walk in the park. You see, marriage is made up of two disparate, sinful individuals (we’re all sinners according to God’s Word-Romans 3:23) trying to get along and function as one cohesive unit. It’s hard!

So, is there anything parents of young children can do now to equip them for marriage success later?

And, what exactly does it take to not just persevere but to thrive in marriage?

First of all, a good marriage partner has a forgiving spirit. No marriage can survive without both parties being willing to forgive when the occasion calls for it and believe me, it will… again and again, and again! Teach your littles to forgive, and to seek forgiveness, as well. Teach them not to be easily offended nor to take every little thing personally. Have a forgiving spirit yourself and try to never hold a grudge or go to bed angry. The littles are watching.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14 (NIV)

A good marriage partner is kind, helpful, and considerate. Begin early to instill these characteristics in your children. Considerate children and teens will most likely become caring and considerate partners. (“Please”, “Thank you”, “Can I help you with that?”, “No, you go first”, etc.) Scores of women have left long-time marriages due, in part, to inconsiderate and unkind spouses who did not have enough respect for their wives to show common courtesy or to lift a hand to help. I sometimes think common courtesy and basic manners are fading into oblivion in our culture. Don’t let that happen in your home. Teach your children to be kind—in the home, in the classroom, and on the playground—especially to those who can’t do for themselves. Teach them good manners and respect for others.

Possibly the most important trait of a good marriage partner, male or female, is humility. A humble person is willing to serve their spouse, and in marriage, mutual servanthood and self-sacrifice is the ultimate goal. There is no room in a godly marriage for an air of superiority or an attitude of condescension. So, as you raise your children, temper the praise and adoration with the idea that they are not superior to others and should be willing to serve—their friends, their siblings, and their fellow-man. Excessive pride is a dangerous thing in marriage and in life. Have we taken the self-esteem thing too far in our culture today? Maybe. Are we putting our kids on pedestals of praise? Often we are.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of others.” Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

And finally, no marriage can survive or thrive if it does not have Jesus Christ at its center. After all, marriage, as an institution, was actually created by God himself! All marriages face challenges, both large and small, and when those challenges come, both partners need to be able to seek God for wisdom and guidance. So, what does that mean for parents of young children? Raise your children to know and love the Lord. Let them see you and your spouse turning to God when you face various issues in life. Teach them to pray. Drive home the point that the answer to every problem can be found in God and His inspired Word—because it’s true!

If my husband and I could do it all again, we would be more intentional about our parenting. We would parent with an eye towards the future, keeping in mind the fact that we’re raising somebody’s future spouse! I hope you will begin today to do just that.

“But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made the woman from the rib he had taken out of man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman for she was taken out of man.’ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:22-24 (NIV)