For most parents, watching their child or teen play sports is an exercise in stress management. There are moments of joy, accomplishment and celebration, of course, but there’s frustration, as well. Most parents want their kid to play—and play a lot. When that doesn’t happen, we get stressed and sometimes, angry. We inherently have a biased perspective on our child’s skill level and potential. We think our child certainly has the talent to play in the NFL, NBA, MLB, or to end up at Centre Court at Wimbledon. We worry about our child’s self esteem when they sit on the bench or don’t “start”. We question the coach’s decisions. We are certain that our child’s playing time is affecting their college opportunities. There is such a fine line to walk as parents in the stands watching our kids play the sports they love.

I know this because I, too, have been a parent of an athlete—several, in fact. Our oldest son played soccer, our middle son played basketball and tennis (and a little soccer and football), and our daughter played volleyball, softball and tennis. My husband and I spent many, many hours watching, cheering, and supporting our kids in their various sports. We put many miles on our car trekking to games and matches, sometimes in places so out of the way, we lost cell phone service!

Each kid was different, of course. The oldest was energetic, outgoing and always had fun, whatever he did. He is still that way—a real people-person. He was the first and for some reason, we didn’t feel the need to get overly involved in his sports experience. We certainly fidgeted in our seats as we anxiously waited for him to make contact with the soccer ball or to score a goal. After all, his self-esteem was at stake (wink, wink).

Our middle son is an introvert. Admittedly, we were sometimes frustrated as we watched him sit quietly on the bench, rather than pester his coach to put him in. He actually did get a lot of playing time over the years and became a really good player. He was a patient, respectful and hard-working. Kind and unselfish. All amazing qualities, by the way, but a bit of a stumbling block if he was to show his great basketball talent to the world!

Our daughter was also a team player—very encouraging to her teammates at all times. She didn’t mind that her friends got more playing time or glory. She was respectful to her coaches and loved the team sports atmosphere. All three of our kids were very solid players and played all through high school. Sports taught them teamwork, discipline, focus and respect—for the coaches and for their fellow players.

During our kids’ playing years, it seemed my husband and I were more stressed about the playing situation than our kids were! No parent wants their kid to feel slighted, disappointed, or treated unfairly. A couple times we emailed coaches to put in a word regarding our kids’ playing time or position. I’m not proud of that. At least we did it quietly, via email, rather than shouting like screaming banshees at the coaches or refs during the game—like some parents. (Did I mention our last two kids played at Christian schools? There are screaming banshees there, too.)

How can parents survive the athletic-parent years with their reputation and witness in tact? First, let’s consider an important question:

Is developing an uber-athlete, collegiate, or professional player really the “end-all, be-all” for you?

Maybe it is. For some parents, it’s the only avenue by which they will be able to afford college for their child. There is certainly a lot more pressure when that is the case.

Have you considered that through sports God is growing and shaping your child to become more like Him? Your child is learning, selflessness, humility, resilience, persistence, patience and cooperation. Maybe it takes things like being reprimanded, sitting on the bench, or playing a different position than you want to play, to develop some of these godly character traits. God is in the people-shaping business. He knows your child and has a plan for their life. Never forget that. God is in control! God is good. God wants the best for your child.

Also, remember that you are not the one on the team, your child is. Sorry, but—your glory days are behind you. Allow your teen to fully own his sports experience. Chill out. Let him decide if he needs or wants to talk to the coach about more playing time. Teens are old enough to handle that themselves. You can discuss options with your child at home and give advice if you like but then let your child handle it. Trust his coaches, so that he will, too. Keep in mind that our kids are already experiencing pressure from coaches, teammates and even themselves. They don’t need pressure from us, as well.

As you watch your child’s next game or match, think about your witness. People are certainly watching you if you are a believer. And as you sit on your hands, willing yourself to remain calm, consider this: Maybe God is trying to develop something in you!

“For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.” Philippians 2:13 (NKJV)